Insecurities

Dear Readers,
Over the course of my life I never had the pleasure of having met a person like Meghana Kamat. I have known her for not even a month but she possesses the exact same insecurities as Yours Truly. I was fascinated by how much better than me she was able to voice out these "irrational fears". After a Facebook chat that really made my day (Not just day, my entire month!), I convinced her to contribute in her most articulate manner to my humble little blog. Thank fully she agreed and here, I present to, you my first collaboration piece. Hope you guys enjoy it and please use the contact form on the side to let me know how you felt about it.

We all have insecurities, emotional ones, and sometimes, they're really hard to hide. Sometimes, you're afraid of rejection, of being lonely. Sometimes, it’s the fear of being laughed at, of being dismissed as inconsequential, as a joke. Sometimes it’s the deep abiding fear of being less than everyone else, of being inferior to those around you. And the worst part is you know yourself that these insecurities are REALLY stupid but they still find a way to be your biggest concern. You have friends, but sometimes they don't understand you, and think of your fears as random bouts of silliness, or a case of passing morbidity. This incomprehension.. this feeling of not being understood.. really hurts, especially when you try to explain to them why you're so upset, why you feel estranged and out of place. You feel as though you'll never fit in, and that no one will ever accept you. No amount of effort on your part seems to convert your emotions into something they will understand. When you see your friends, peers or acquaintances being so very compatible with their social contacts, sharing everything, from their innermost secrets to random acts of stupidity, everything of both consequence and in-consequence (and everything in between)  You wish that you were a part of it, that you could do the same. Are you asking for too much? Have you changed? Or have they?  But when you find yourself unable to function on the same social level as everyone else, you come to the conclusion that something is wrong with you. The majority of the world can fit in with each other, so that means, if you're the minority, some screw is loose in your head or in your heart  It's all your fault. You can't blame people for not understanding you when there is obviously some mistake in your own genetic code. This leads to rifts in what were once tight friendships, schisms in old groups, except for the fact the line is drawn between you and the rest, instead of "Us against the World". You suddenly are not part of an "Us". You see your friends being happy, and you're jealous. Jealous, not of their achievements and abilities. You still love them the way you did before. The jealousy is of how they make their social interactions seem so effortless.  But then you're ashamed of yourself for even simply feeling such a blasphemous emotion and draw away from the world so that they're not tainted by your corrupt nature. You are almost afraid that the might read your mind and be disgusted by your pathetic borderline narcissistic thoughts  You really want to have people notice the crap you are having to endure but you don't know how to get it across. You dream up situations, create scenarios in your mind that will create the perfect set up for you to paint a vivid picture of the highly volatile nature of your feelings.  You do everything keeping in mind that someone is watching. You conduct yourself in such a way that someone will notice, will realize something's up, ask you what's wrong, and then you play out the entire scene. Something will happen, you'll respond, the other person will react, and the entire scene unfolds perfectly (down to the direction of the wind and the exact temperature)  But they never pan out exactly, Ever. Never. The perfect outcome only happens when it happens in your head. These feelings are not true, never have been and never will be. And you know that these thoughts are indicative of attention seeking problems, of inferiority complexes. Events that prove these thoughts knock you into a never ending, ever tightening spiral of self loathing and misery. You feel that you must be a good person because you realize that the disgusting and involuntary thoughts of jealousy and anger are wrong, but then, because you notice it, you start making judgments on yourself from it and that always end with the realization that you must again be a terrible person. However, the fact that you even got yourself to concede that you are a horrible person again makes you good, and so on, in an everlasting circle of confusion. 

This, dear readers, is the world a person ridden with insecurities lives in. And the insecure individual often isn't able to express himself in a manner as articulate as this.(Yet it might not do complete justice to the darkness that are insecurities of our fragile personalities)

I would especially encourage feedback on this piece as I recognize this is a little different from what I usually do. And a HUGE shout out to Meghana who is the one who wrote nearly all of this piece (that I hold very dear). Yours Truly is very indebted.

Also I have an announcement to make. A friend of mine, Nathan Neal Dmello (Who has a solution for all problems related to the computer) has very generously made an android app for this humble little blog. It is on the Android market and you can use the following link to it~ https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.rssappmaker.ayourstru308&feature=search_result#?
Or search for "Yours Truly". Any Feedback, queries or even rants are welcome. Use the contact form.

Till I write again.

Yours Truly